2012 was a busy year.....

Hey guys. Sorry I haven't posted in over half a year, but I've been crazy busy. I was going to school full time and working forty hour shifts and averaging about four hours a sleep per night for about a year and a half. The pharmacy that took me in has been falling apart and I don't have the energy to save it anymore. My dad almost died in front of me and I pretty much stopped myself in my tracks after that. Also I learned from firefly's friends that she actually had an abortion before she left for Korea without telling me... and here I thought for over a year that it was just a late period..... so with my dad almost dying and realizing that I was this close to having a kid, I've been reevaluating where I am with my life and what I'm going to do with it. But hey, I'm still drawing so here's a flower:

The reason why I haven't written anything for a while.

 So, if you're one of the people I send this link to, you know that I have been in a state of suspended anger for almost half a year now. You guys probably know that for a few months longer, I've been averaging about four hours a day after working and going to school full time. You guys have probably noticed that the first couple months before my anger phase that I was doing all right. In fact, I was handling it pretty well and you could say that I was the happiest I've been for a long time.

I started art again after a brief pause and found an amazing art teacher that I can really connect with. I was invited to write for a blog, and that really did respark my interest in writing. If you guys don't know this already, I really enjoyed writing when I was younger, but something happened in high school that killed my spirit and I just couldn't get myself to write anymore. I was getting out of my comfort zone and I really enjoyed my public speaking class. In fact, I was actually one of the stars in that class. I finally felt like I was making progress with my life. Do you know how awesome it feels when someone you were interested in walks up to you and tells you how much you inspire them? And then everything comes to a screeching stop because all of a sudden I'm too tired to go out. What a wasted opportunity. At least when other guys cock block you they do it on purpose. He's just oblivious.

I bought a brand new electric piano to put in my room and all it does is collect dust. How painful it is to go home, have a great idea for something and you can't even write it down because all you want to do is pass out on the couch? How frustrating it is when I go to my art studio with these little kids (who draw a WAY better than me by the way) and I'm nodding in and out of sleep while trying to figure out what to draw next and no matter how hard I try, nothing comes to mind. I mean seriously. It is so frustrating knowing that these kids are better than you and that the only edge that I have on them is that I can come up with ideas. Take that away and all you have is someone 2-3 times older with a broken foundation. That hurts. A lot. So much so that it feels like a part of me died. Seriously, I never knew that one guy could just screw up so many aspects of your life all at once.

I know I've been on a pissed off rampage for too long now. There's just so many levels that he offends me on that I just didn't know how to deal with my frustrations. I hate that I've strained my relationship with you guys. I've gotten some rest, and the lines are starting to connect for me again and for the most part, this is all behind me now so... can we start off again from before all this happened?

Ideological vs. Practical

Someday.

So last Christmas night marked the two year anniversary of my decision to get into pharmacy. My girlfriend at the time and I decided to go on a three day trip to San Francisco. We had a blast window shopping, going out to random restaurants and just enjoying each other's company. It was our last night there and we were having some of that "after-pillow fight conversation." She teases me and says "Honey, I want....two boys and two girls." And I was like "No." And she was like "Okay.. three kids." And I'm like...."No." And with a sigh, she breathes "Two." And then I sigh, cave in and go "Okay fine.... two kids." Without missing a beat, she throws up in my face and I'm like "Babe... too soon!"

The next morning, I rush to the nearest pharmacy to buy some Plan B. (They don't call it "the morning after pill" for nothing.) Luckily for me, it was just the stomach flu. It was pretty obvious since she threw up like six times the rest of the night... but you can never be too careful. Unfortunately for her... she got the stomach flu. We took the Caltrain home and she fell asleep on my shoulder, exhausted from puking last night's dinner and then some. During that entire night, I had been so freaked out about what we were talking about earlier. I was pretty sure that she probably ate something bad (Oh all-you-can-eat Chinese buffets... y u make such good Peking Duck, but have such dirty kitchens!?!?) but in the back of my mind I kept thinking to myself, "What if?" I was in no position to start raising kids! Hell, I just turned 20 the day before! But these things always get guys thinking. Besides the chunk blowing, the past three days were literally the best I've had (so far). I liked being able to afford *the most* of our trip's expenses and fighting with her whether or not I was going to pay for something and that was what solidified my decision to seriously pursue my career.

These past two years, probably the most difficult thing for me was letting go of the idea that I won't have my "dream job" any time soon sink in. I think growing up (for me at least) I was led to believe that if I "follow my dreams, money will follow" and that you basically get one permanent job per lifetime and that most people hated their jobs and very few people do what they love for a living. This is probably still true. The majority of Americans I've met always tell me to follow my passions, while the Asians (Fobs) always tell me to pursue a career that makes money. The "idealistic" vs. the "practical."

Next year, the majority of students from my high school graduate year are going to graduate from College. Some are going to go to upper division while the rest will start looking for jobs. If there's one thing I've learned contemplating about work and happiness these past two years it's this: Most people my age don't know shit about what they're passionate about. At least career wise. And there's nothing wrong with that! You have the rest of your life to figure that out, but...! The real world isn't going to wait for you.

My surrogate mother and I were having a conversation about a month about about how some Americans are too "care free" about how they raise their kids and that they put too much emphasis on "following their dreams." Although this is great advice when you're actually mature enough, as I said earlier, most people don't know what they want to do with themselves until well after college and as a result, most struggle for a while after college until they learn to get their act together. Even though most Asians have pressured to go into a profession they may hate by their parents, as James mentions earlier, we eventually learn that true happiness is success in and of itself and say "Fuck it! I'm not happy!" and choose a profession more to their liking.

My dad always tells me how impossible some things are, like becoming a musician, or an artist, or an MMA fighter. Although I agree with what he's trying to tell me, I think his wording needs to be tweaked. It's not that it's impossible, it's just that it's really hard to be successfully mainstream. I think the most important thing to tell your kids is to ask whether or not they like chasing something that they may or may not truly love while worrying about money and even IF they spent years cultivating their talents and working their asses off, there's ALWAYS that possibility that they may not make it....or if they'd rather be financially secure while trying to figure out what they truly care about. Like I said earlier, I like having money. I like travelling, I LOVE food even more and I like going out to nice restaurants whenever I want. I just started to get into cars and OMG I want a beemer when I grow up. I want need the ability to be financially ready just in case my future wife tell me that she's got a bun in the oven (even if I'm not emotionally).

The i8 is so beautiful I want to cry

I like drawing again. I like being able to play instruments, hearing my emotions transform into audible sound as I strike the notes. I'm at that age now that I can draw or play whatever the hell I want and no one will complain about it. Even though I'm working my ass off preparing myself to get into pharmacy school, I'm taking whatever free time I have to rediscover myself. So what if I'm taking a stereotypical Asian job? What's important is whether or not I'm happy... and goddammit I'm going to be happy.